Wednesday, June 11, 2014

I'm trapped in a cage!

Well all, I finally had a word with the neurologist's secretary. She is going to tell him to call me directly when he arrives back on the island next week. Another seven more days of getting up, taking this stuff, that calls itself anti-epileptic medication, and feeling rubbish, after it. Sick, depressed, anxious, upset, slurred speech, other nasty stomach side affects, which is making me lose weight. Basically what I've just eaten in the morning, and drunk, the toilet gets. Every morning, all the time. I'm stuck in this ritual. I can't do anything about it. No-matter how much I try and eat, after 12:45, in the afternoon, I can guarantee it will be gone next morning. After I sit drinking tea, feeling sick, I just burst into tears. Tears of anger, and frustration. "Look at this! Look at me! Every morning, I'm like this! Where's the happiness! Where's the lively Samantha! Where's my appetite! Where is my normal speech! Where is my general enjoyment for life! Gone, in 2 mouth fulls of water! Gone, when I take those 2 pills. When they dissolve. Everything disappears!" I listen to the birds, the traffic, the laughter and enjoyment of children, and adults making their morning commutes, the sun, streaming through the windows, the breeze blowing outside, the trees and everything rustling, outside the window! All of it, would usually be my enjoyment, usually be interesting. Not anymore! Sometimes I think, I would rather the seizures, just let me drop, I don't mind, at least I won't feel anxious, and sick, and all of what i feel now. For 2 minutes or so, I will be somewhere away from it all. I know there will be drama, in front of you all, know you will have to witness me convulsing, shaking, perhaps screaming, and thrashing around on the floor. But sometimes I think, I wouldn't mind, as long as I don't have this! I wish I didn't have to pop those pills, didn't have to mentally destroy myself for 4 or 5 hours in a day! Why! Why can't I just be normal! Just have that happiness, and everything else, even my enjoyment for my singing has dissipated. Give me it all back for goodness sake! I want my weight, my appetite, all of it! Lamotrigine has taken it from me! And trapped me in this cage, of depression, and anxiety. The bars on the outside are thick, and hard to get through, if at all. I'm trapped in there, and only released at 12:45 pm! From 09 AM, the doors are shut, and I'm trapped, in the same routine! I hate it! Release me from it, please. Let me out! I can't do this anymore! Or else, there will be a river of tears every morning, again, and again. Release me from this cage of frustration, and vanishing before peoples' eyes! Please, let me out!

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