Thursday, March 20, 2014

Weaning off Tegretol.

Hi all. I am currently weaning off Tegretol and onto Lamotrigine. So far, I have increased the dose from 25Mg in the morning, and at night, to 50Mg twice a day. Monday was a bit interesting. At about 6:30, I started to feel dizzy, and sick. It interrupted my tea. I had to lie down. It then passed, and I was fine. Until 10:30 pm. Things went down hill fast. I went to bed, and felt hot. No, not a fever, just my face was bright red, which is the Tegretol's fault. Lying down, I noticed, I started to feel dizzy again, and sort of light headed, but not like you're going to faint. It's sort of unexplainable. I then felt sick again, not like I would vomit, but an unusual kind, throat and stomach churning. My breathing then started to increase, as I began to feel quite scared of how I was feeling. Not normal scared feelings either. I just felt alone, even though someone was just across the hallway from me. Even though my nan was a door away. Even though the door was open. I still felt alone, nervous, and didn't know what was going on. Why I felt sick, thirsty, dizzy, and anxious. My heart rate was normal. I kept feeling my arms, and legs, twitch every now and then, but that was normal, as they did that on Epilim and tegretol. i kept clutching onto the bed covers, as if trying to comfort myself, trying to tell myself, "yOu're okay. It's alright, it will pass, you're going to be fine. Trust me" I was slightly teary, and on both occasions. I knew, and felt everything around me, could hear normally, and was aware, I was in my room, in bed, knew the layout of the room and the house. I was not unconscious, or zoned out. It then passed, and I do remember saying to myself out loud, "I feel sick" and my voice was soft, and nervous. Very quiet, but you could hear the fear. afterwards, i went to sleep, and awoke a few hours later. Feeling shocked. "What the... was that? what just happened? What time is it?" time felt slow. Like the hours before had speeded up. The hour in which the anxiety, or what ever it was, had taken place, had speeded up. It was not normal time. It was like it was all a blur. Now time was normal, but slow. It was late, early hours of the morning perhaps. What had just happened? I will not know. I cannot judge though, whether it was the lamotrigine, or the Tegretol,, as I am not on the Lamotrigine properly. There is still Tegretol in my system. Only when, and only when, I am on the lamotrigine properly, can I then scrutinise it. Then we shall see, but right now, I feel lucky. I think I've struck gold. The experience begins tomorrow, Friday 21st march, when the morning Tegretol, is dropped. Lamotrigine goes solo. We shall then see, just how good it really is. Or if you want to be funny, just how good she really is. You could make it like a gameshow, The cube, for example, where concentration is of the utmost importance. You have to add humour to these things you know, even though they are serious. Then on Monday 24th march, Lamotrigine is increased to 75Mg at night, along with Tegretol, still. That's when things get really interesting. That's the "Here we go" moment. There will be a fight on your hands. One will be conflicting. Or, if we're going to go for the humorous approach, it's like Lamotrigine saying to Tegretol, "Move out of the way. I've come to take over your job. As you cannot do it as well as I can. At least, it seems so." so there you have it, the latest news on me. I hope you enjoy this post. :)

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Anxious memories.

I thought, I would let you all know, how it feels for me, when someone shows their direct, or indirect annoyance, or anger towards me. No matter, how gentle you are, the fact you are angry, will speak louder, than the gentleness of the voice. Anxious memories Samantha, can we have a word? is always the phrase I dread. The sudden opening of a door, the slam, Or the footsteps of someone’s brisk walk. Their walking becoming nearer, and nearer. Their breathing slightly louder, and faster than normal. My breathing slightly shallower, and quicker than theirs. The room becomes icey cold, the warmth gone, disappeared like a puff of smoke. Oh here we go. This is it. The blow that I was destined. Every footstep is an effort, every breath slightly harder, and can be heard, in my oversensitive ears, movement is slower and restrained, every heartbeat, growing louder, and faster. Mouth becoming dry, as we walk, leaving where ever I was, probably quietly getting on with work, or relaxing. No time for relaxing now. No time for chilling. Unless you count the chill in the air. We may, or may not, walk to an corridor, with an echo. The corridor, is vast, and wide. Every sound overhead, making me startled. My stomach tingles, and I feel my body jump slightly. I shake, as I stand, or sit, routed to the spot, waiting, waiting for the blow to hit. Then the voice, loud and strong, shouting as loud as it ever has. Probably telling me off for something random. I don’t care. All I want is out, out of there. The person leans over me, or stands close to me, firmly speaking to the echos all around. Their voice reverberating, and reverberating. Over, and over again, through the still, icey air. Afterwards, the air is still, and silent. Although the anxiety, is not. Still, the storm rages. Rough seas, crashing waves, and the gales blowing large stones, and debris onto the beaches below the white cliffs, onwhich white foam is sprayed. Still the storm rages, as i try to take in, the metaphoric beating I ‘ve received.