Saturday, February 15, 2014
Another emotional journey
Another emotional journey. I went to the Neurologist on Thursday of last week. I told him, of the tingling, and pain I get in my head. This, he said was to do with the nerve endings. I had two options, one to have occipital nerve blocks, the other, to switch medications. I chose to switch. I am being switched to Lamotrigine. this means, a load of emotions will be returning once more. How will I feel? Will I be able to manage the size of the tablets? what will happen during the switch? will I be aggressive, anxious, lose my appetite? have any nasty side affects? drowsiness? nausea? potentially more seizures? although not likely… The truth is, I am scared again. Not of the switch, but of the fact I will not be under as much control, for a while. Seizure control, I mean. I always imagine a scene, at least, when I was switching from Epilim to Tegretol, the scene, or scenes being: It’s silent, in the dead of night. Accept for faint breathing, and cats moving around the house. The wind is blowing outside, and there’s a storm brewing. Clouds are grey and black. The sky is clear, but storm clouds are descending, over the bright starry sky. Inside, clocks and watches tick on, on and on. Nothing else can be heard… except, wait, what was that from the front bedroom, a crash overhead; Maybe one of the cats. She doesn’t move. Again, a noise; she stirs, and listens. Another crash; and a shout; oh no! The person in the back room jumps from her bed; races across the hall, and pushes on the door. It’s closed, but for a piece of paper stopping it being opened. Another crash; “oh no! I know what this is! I need to get in there!”she thinks. Heart racing, and breathing increasing, she tries again. No luck. Again, no luck. Again, for a final time, her hands push on the door.Harder, and harder, shoulders charging at the shiny painted wood. Finally, The paper gives way. She bursts in. Our scenes switch. Night. I am in bed, asleep. Only the sound of my soft, regular breathing can be heard. My watch ticks silently on, on the bedside table. My phone next to it, goes off with a notification. Perhaps a tweet, an email. Who knows. I can’t be bothered looking. Noise fades, suddenly; I can’t hear anything, can’t feel anything, my bed covers, snuggled around me, the bed, solid interior, the sound of my watch ticking. Nothing. I fall downwards; Breathing becoming fast, heart rate speeding up, arms and everything thrashing around, and my whole body shaking; I can’t control it! What’s happening! A few minutes later, I return, feeling carpet, the watch ticks on. I feel the wooden panelled doors of my cd rack, but what is it? Where am I? How did i get here? Perhaps it was a dream? a nightmare? Then I hear a voice. “samantha. You’re okay. You’re okay. Samantha, you’ll be fine.”Who is that voice? I know her. Know her very well. Think, come on! Focus, you know who she is! You know! That’s scene 1. Scene 2. Daylight. An alarm goes off. Time to get up. 8:30. Slowly, I stretch, and get out of bed. I head downstairs to a multitude of noise. the tv, and other noise. My cousin has come over, for a while. I’m at the table, eating breakfast. I’m on my own in the kitchen. “Sam. Sam?” a voice, growing fainter and fainter. Our scene switches to the kitchen. A voice calls. “Nan. come here please! Come here! Please!! Please!” Footsteps downstairs, “Get out of the room. Get out! Stay out!” My view returns. A voice, Oh no. I’m on the floor. How did I get here? “Samantha, are you back?” Someone moves me. Telling me I’ll be okay. I am taken to a comfortable place. Those scenes I imagine. I know they’re not likely. I know that, but I still have this fear, when switching medications, that they will happen. I know though, they are not likely.