Thursday, February 20, 2014

Adventures of tegretol

Another day, another meal, another argument, and a battle with my body, to swallow food. My appetite has vanished, I can’t get it back It’s gone, and no-one believes me. No-one believes me. The depression, the anziety, the aggression. A battle to eat, a force, of strong emotions, difficulty swallowing my food. I can’t seem to swallow it; to contemplate swallowing it. My enjoyment for food has gone; After that row, I sit. Drinking tea, and inside, an overwhelming feeling of sadness, of depression. It’s my fault, all my fault, the loss of weight, of appetite,, aggression, all, my fault It gains strenth, and all the while, I’m in company. I can’t break down, I can’t cry, I can’t let it out! I leave the company, and break down. Tears flow from my eyes. Anger, and depression, at the same time. It’s annoying, overwhelming, it just comes with no warning. I’m forced to deal with it all the time, every day. what is wrong with me? Why am I like this! Who, or what, is messing with my emotions, i’m so fragile, so volitile, so aggressive, and stressed about it. I know those around me care for me, they want me to eat, to live, to do well, to grow in strenth, to gain weight. I want that too, but it’s difficult. They don’t understand, they never will understand. It’s hard for them, I know. extremely hard. Yet, I must sound, and look like I don’t care. But I do, I care so much. Then there’s the aftermath, of rows. Why should I take my meds? What would be the point? People don’t care, they wouldn’t care if I had a tonic clonic seizure, in front of them, before their very eyes. They would not care; and then there’s the odd thoughts, really odd, that make me think, that’s not me. No way, is that me. “What would happen, if my head made contact with the wall behind me, I suppose no-one would care about that either!” then, I think, Hang on, that’s not me. At all! Goodness, Pull yourself together! I put my hand to my waist, and feel its thinness, I feel my hands move all the way round it, no figure. I dread the weight, on the scales, dread it saying under 6 stone. Dread my nana’s worry, my worry. I know it’s the tegretol, but why is it doing this to me. Why am I a different person. Why can’t i be normal, instead of this emotionally shattered person all the time! This person, who bursts into tears, who gets angry, irritable, annoyed, for no darn reason! Why, can I not be happy, relaxed, enjoy my food, be kind to others, and not break down for no reason! i only hope, my lamotrigine, will change this persona, from who I am now, to who I was before, the happy, subjude, calm, kind, person, who enjoys her food, and has her heart in the right place.. This is what Tegretol does to me, and believe me, I can’t wait to get off the darn stuff! Lamotrigine, save me from this please!

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